If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
