On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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