I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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