I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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