my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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