after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Vodka?
Forever.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
