You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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