Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
