Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
