Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
