my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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