Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
