it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
