were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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