was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My feet surprised me
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