She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How external is "for external use only"?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize