I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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