Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
