I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
