My nipple is on Facebook.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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