I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
