Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
