If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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