Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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