pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
