I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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