Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
