Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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