Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
