Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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