I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
