Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
