I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
