I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
