if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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