Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
