I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
