i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
