please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
