So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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