Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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