mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
