I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
