I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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