i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
