he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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