did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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