mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
