I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
