so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize