I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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