Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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