now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
