i don't like sucking hair
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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