Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
