Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
