mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
